


Sit Tight (I'm Gonna Need You To Keep Time)

by xxxintothedarknessxxx



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: American Sign Language, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-11-14 07:44:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11203515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxxintothedarknessxxx/pseuds/xxxintothedarknessxxx
Summary: The story of Spencer Smith, drummer of Panic! at the Disco-if he were Deaf.Not related to the 'Count us in' series :)





	Sit Tight (I'm Gonna Need You To Keep Time)

Brendon didn't know what to expect when Brent brought him along to band practice to audition as a temporary fill-in. It certainly wasn't this. Here he was, making a fool of himself with his Gollum impression. He hadn't even introduced himself yet. It didn't help that Brent was busy pissing himself in the corner instead of helping a guy out.

He watched as the blonde haired boy raised an eyebrow and a hand and waved his fingers weirdly to the brunette boy sitting next to him, and as the brunette boy shook his fist up and down back.  
'Sorry, I'm perpetually awkward. Maybe I should just play. Oh, I almost forgot, my name's Brendon. Nice to meet you.' He offered his hand to shake to the kids on the couch, even if one of them was weird about it.  
The brunette raised his hand and slowly waved his fingers in a similar manner to the blonde boy and the blonde boy nodded.

The blonde boy noticed him gawking and raised an eyebrow. The brunette said 'I'm Ryan, and this is Spencer. Maybe you should play now.' So he played. He sang along in case they didn't know the song, and then wondered if he shouldn't have played a Blink 182 song. They were a cover band, after all.  
'So, was I any good?'  
'You were.' Ryan said.  
'Told you.' Brent bragged. Brendon nodded and looked toward Spencer, waiting for his opinion.  
‘We just need you to keep time. Trust me when I tell you Spence really doesn’t care.' Why was this kid Ryan talking for Spencer? Brendon addressed him directly, if not only to annoy Ryan.  
'You must be the drummer, then.'  
'Yeah.' That was the only thing Spencer had actually said the whole time. It seemed he dealt in body language.  
'Like that's hard to figure out.' Ryan sniped.  
'He doesn't exactly say much with you talking for him. I'm sure he has a mind of his own.'

Ryan started waving his hands in a way that Brendon knew wasn't conversational gesticulation, but still didn't understand. Brent started to explain.  
'Spencer's Deaf. Ryan talks for him, but he doesn't say anything Spencer hasn't said.' Brendon turns to Spencer.  
'I don't get it. You talked before.' Spencer squints, confused, and turns to Ryan, who does three different actions with his hands and then speaks to Brendon, still waving at Spencer.  
'Deaf doesn't mean he can't speak. He just mostly chooses not to.' To Brendon, who could talk underwater with a mouthful of marbles, the idea is ridiculous. Why would you choose not to speak?  
'He can't hear himself. Would you sing if you didn't know how it sounded?' Brent made a good point.  
'No, I guess not.'  
'How does he sound?' It comes out like 'How duth he thoun?' and it takes Brendon a second to realize it's Spencer. He has no idea though what the kid is saying.  
'Sorry?' Spencer repeats himself, slower.  
'Like a dying cat.' Brent jokes, moving his hands like the other two.  
'No, he's good. He's really good. He could probably replace me.' Ryan says. Ok, now the hand thing was really starting to bug Brendon.

'What are you guys doing?'  
'Sign Language. How else do you expect him to know what we're saying?' Ryan asks, as though it's supposed to be the most obvious thing in the world.  
'Don't you read lips?' Spencer stared him down for that.  
'No, that’s a myth. You need context and luck to lip read someone. Plus, I'm pretty sure that's the first thing Spence learned to lip read before he could even walk.' Ryan explained.  
'It's a requirement of being Deaf.' Spencer joked. 'Didn't you warn him?' He asked Brent. Brendon only understood because Ryan was translating.  
'No, I didn't think he was an idiot.'  
'Sorry, I've just never met a Deaf person before,' Brendon said, before turning to Brent, 'How do I apologize?' Brent showed him the action, it was a closed fist, rubbed in a circle on his chest. Brendon turned to Spencer and repeated the action. Spencer grabbed his hand and un tucked the thumb.

'Oh, was I doing it wrong?' Brendon asked, and Spencer nodded. 'It's like this?' He repeated the action, and Spencer nodded again. 'I'm sorry.'  
'Ok, don't wear it out. You're going to have to learn a little more than that if you want to stick around.' Spencer signed, reminding them all of why they were actually here.  
'You got the job.' Ryan clarifies.  
'Wait, uhm, this is totally a stupid question, and it's probably offensive.' Brendon started. Ryan raised an eyebrow as if daring him to continue.

'How do I drum if I'm Deaf?' Spencer asks for him. Brendon nods sheepishly. He sits behind the kit and plays some badass rhythm that definitely isn't from a Blink song. 'Like this.' Brendon’s jaw was on the ground. Spencer smirked and started to talk.  
'Mop up the spit before someone slips and let's practice.' Brendon felt bad having to ask him to repeat himself. He repeats it in sign language and Ryan translates.  
'Don't feel bad, I know I'm hard to understand. That's what ASL is for.'  
'Age/sex/live?' Brent sniggered in the back. Jerk. He was enjoying this way too much.  
'American Sign Language. Each country has their own.' Ryan filled in the blank.  
'Oh. Hey, how do you say my name?'  
'Brendon?' Spencer asks verbally. It sounds more like 'Bwendun' but he can understand Spencer well enough to recognize his own name.  
'Yeah, I mean, in sign language. Is there a sign for that?'  
'There might be, someday, but you have to be given it. Some people never get one. We'll just spell your name for now.' Brent says, showing Brendon what that looks like.  
'Oh, what about Spencer?' Spencer traces a big 'S' on his chest like the superman symbol.  
'Can you guess his favorite superhero?' Ryan asked.  
'It's batman now but I was three. It's less boring than spelling my name.' He spelled it out at the end of his sentence as if to prove his point. 'Besides, what parent calls their Deaf kid 'Spencer Smith'?' Brent and Ryan laugh and Brendon just doesn't get it.

'What's funny about that?' They laughed harder and it pissed him off 'Ok, I get it, I'm an idiot. You could explain it instead of laughing at me.'  
'You've never heard him try to say it. It's a running joke that they should have known better, seeing as neither of them can say it either. He's third generation Deaf. His grandma, who’s house we're at, and his parents are Deaf. His sisters can hear though.' Ryan says, signing along so that Spencer is kept in the loop.  
'So, they don't talk either?'  
'Not with their voice.'  
'So they don't realize Spencer can't say his own name?'  
'Yeah, but it wasn't a problem for them because they didn't think he'd talk. They've known he was Deaf since he was born.' Brendon thinks he's got this straight.

'So they knew you were Deaf and gave you a name you couldn't say because they didn't think you'd speak?' Spencer nods and signs yes.  
'And that's funny?'  
'It's funny when I say it. Maybe one day I'll demonstrate.'  
'Wait, why didn't they think you'd talk?'  
'Lots of Deaf people don't talk. For lots of reasons. I'm the first Deaf person in my family to choose to be oral sometimes.' He signed when he spoke but that sounded dirty to Brendon and he giggled.  
'It means talking, idiot.' Brent snapped. He signed 'sorry', spun his pointer fingers around each other and then pointed sharply towards Brendon.  
'Right, sorry. Still learning. I don't understand why it's funny though.'  
'You just haven't been around long enough. You'll pick it up. Let's just get to practicing before you say something stupid and one of them finally punches you.' Brent is beginning to think that's pretty likely. Brendon picks up his guitar again and notices Ryan signing that to Spencer.  
'Spence says good idea.'

After practice ends and he's putting his guitar back in his case, he talks to Ryan.  
'Hey thanks for translating for me.'  
'Interpreting.' Ryan wasn't even being smart, it's just second nature for him to correct people.  
'Is there a difference?'  
'Yes. Translating is for books and subtitles. Interpreting is for speaking and signing.' Right. He'd try to remember that one.  
'How do I stop making an idiot of myself and offending Spencer? I feel like I don't know anything.'  
'Google any questions you have and IM me about anything you can't find on your own. Also, yes, he can drive AND have sex, just like you. Wait, Mormons aren't allowed to have sex, are they?'  
'Not before marriage. Do people really ask that stuff? It's his ears that don't work.' He clips up his case.  
'You'd be surprised. Google 'stuff people say to Deaf people'. Then make sure you don't say any of it.'

That night Ryan got a lot of instant messages.  
**This says some deaf people can hear some stuff, and some can't, and some can hear more and are called Hard of Hearing. Which one is Spence?**  
Deaf.  
**Oh, so he can't hear anything at all?**  
Only stuff like an airplane if he was actually at an airport. He wouldn't hear much more at a rock concert, and it would just sound like noise.  
**So then how does he drum? Like, I know he can, but how if he can't hear the music?**  
He can feel the vibration. Why do you think we practice in his grandmas living room, with the wood floors?  
**I thought it was so his parents wouldn't hear...oh, they're deaf too, right?**  
Right.  
**Why don't they just fix it with hearing aids or the implant?**  
Some people can't. Only certain people with certain kinds and levels of deafness can get one of those and have it work. But plenty of people choose not to.  
**Doesn't that make life harder?**  
Yeah, but what if people expected you to change a part of your identity, like change religions or start dating dudes or something? It wouldn't be right.  
**So they're happy being deaf?**  
It's different for everyone.  
**Is Spencer? Like, he wouldn't get the surgery?**  
He never tried to find out if he could. But he wouldn't. It just isn't him.  
**But he talks and plays the drums like someone who’s not deaf. Why not become not deaf if you can?**  
They're called 'hearing', and when you talk about Spencer, it's Deaf with a big 'd'.  
**???**  
A big 'd' means they're culturally deaf, a little 'd' means it's just a disability to them. Deaf culture means he's proud of his language and his history and he has a community of people who speak his language and have similar experiences because they're Deaf, too. It's sort of like being Greek or French or something. Except the language is different in every country.  
**Oh. I guess I wouldn't want to change my culture just to be like everyone else.**

A while later, his computer dinged.  
**Did you know that Deaf people were given jobs with the Sultan in the Ottoman Empire?**  
No. Brendon, how did you even find that? What were you looking for?  
**I'm trying to learn about Spencer's culture.**  
Okay, but that was 500 years ago in a different country. Try finding something more recent.

Five minutes later, ding.  
**Why did the Milan Congress in 1880 choose making Deaf people speak the way to educate them? Spencer's mom and dad have jobs and kids and a house and they don't speak. I don't get it.**  
Google 'Deafness and the oralism method.'  
**Is that the one called 'the German Method'?**  
Yes.  
**If someone stuck their fingers in my mouth, I'd bite them. Why did they care so much about making people speak if they could sign?**  
Because they thought you were smarter if you talked.  
**That's stupid.**  
Is that a question? I'm trying to do my French homework. It's due tomorrow.  
**Is that what they do to teach Spencer?**  
Ryan tried to imagine Spencer of all people putting up with that. He laughed as he responded.  
No. Spencer goes to my school. They give him an interpreter and a note taker.  
**What about the work? You can't write in ASL. Unless I missed that page of the web.**  
He reads and writes in English. It isn't his first language, but you'd never be able to tell. Why don't you try looking up deaf education in America this time?

Ding.  
**If there are deaf schools, why doesn't he go to one?**  
Deaf people used to be locked up in boarding schools, miles from home and never saw their families, and that was if they got to go to school. His parents didn't want that for him. Would YOU want to be sent away if there was a school you could go to somewhere in your neighborhood?  
**There's a deaf university? Is Spencer going to go there?**  
Maybe. Or he might go to any one of the other hundreds of schools in America. He'll just have an interpreter and a note taker like he does at school.  
**Oh. That was really ignorant, wasn't it?**  
Yeah, but you're new to this. It's not like there's an exam on Deafness and WW2 or something. It's ok not to know stuff, and you don't have to know everything. Just try to avoid asking the really ignorant stuff, and you'll be fine. You can't be worse than the music teacher who tried to get Spencer to transfer from band.  
Brendon did google 'Deafness and WW2' and had to wait for a video to load. It was an entire documentary. He clicked back into the chat box.  
**Why did the teacher try to make him leave? He's a great drummer.**  
When the Deaf kid turns up to music class with an interpreter and a note taker, hearing people tend to wonder what he's doing there. You should have seen the teachers face when his parents turned up to school the next morning. He said Spencer would have to audition if he wanted to play in band, Deaf or not. No one else actually had to though, it was an excuse because he thought Spence would suck and he wouldn't have to take him, and everyone knew it, so Spencer goes in, blows his mind in front of the class, and says 'Not bad for a Deaf kid, huh?'  
**I'm allowed to laugh at that, right?**  
Yes. That teacher was a dick. The whole class was laughing at him by the time Spencer was finished, and no teacher ever questioned if he could do something the other kids were. Though they did try to get him to wear hearing protection in metal shop.  
**If he's already Deaf, what's it matter?**  
Insurance, I think. But it was funny at the time.

An hour later, there was another ding just as Ryan was finishing his homework.  
**Wow. Nazi's went after Deaf people too?**  
Did you google Deafness and WW2?  
**Yes. You said Deaf history is important.**  
So is the language. Why don't you start there?  
**Ok, how do you sign? Can you teach me?**  
Start with the alphabet. Do you need a link so you find the right one?  
**I'm not that stupid. See, one-handed alphabet. I worked that much out at practice.**  
The link Brendon sent was for Irish Sign Language, which had most of the same letters. He actually wasn't too far wrong.  
Close. About 7 of those letters are different here. Here's the one you were looking for.  
**Thanks.**  
Brendon clicked on the link and spent the next hour practicing letters, numbers and spelling out the names of things around him. He was spelling out ‘homework’ (which he hadn’t done), when his parents walked in and asked if he was throwing gang signs. He fell off his chair laughing.  
‘No, it’s sign language. You know that band I’m filling in for? The drummer is deaf.’

The next time Brendon walked in to practice he caught sight of Ryan.  
‘Oh, hey, I wanted to tell you about something that happened the other night. I’m officially not the most ignorant person in Nevada anymore! My parents saw me practicing the alphabet and thought I was throwing up gang signs.’ They nearly died laughing and then Spence came back from the bathroom.  
‘What’s funny?’ So Ryan explained.  
‘You’re learning ASL?’ Spencer looked surprised.  
‘Uh, I’m trying. I got most of the letters but ‘x’ and ‘r’ are confusing.’ He was not expecting the hug he got from him for that.  
‘Thank you.’ He signed to Brendon.  
‘Uh, I don’t know what that means.’ Spencer spelled it out and showed Brendon the sign. Brendon raised his hand and spelled ‘You’re welcome.’ Spencer didn’t teach him that sign, he just hugged him again. Later, when Brent turned up, Brendon asked about Spencer’s reaction.  
‘I don’t get Spencer. He was really happy when I told him I was learning, like it was a big deal or something.’  
‘Because most people don’t bother. Trevor doesn’t know one sign.’  
‘Why not? I mean, if I’m playing in his band, the least I can do is learn his language, right?’  
‘Right.’

It would be that attitude, a month later when Trevor was set to return, that would cause the remaining three members of the summer league to tell him not to bother coming back. Together the four of them became a new band with a new name and a new sound. Within a year they’d been signed. Spencer had skipped the audition, worried that a Deaf drummer would put Pete Wentz off of taking them seriously, even though he loved the demos they had. They weren’t sure Pete had noticed that Spencer was Deaf until he met Spence’s parents to sweet talk them into letting their son go to Maryland to record. By summer that year, they were making their first album.

Everything was looking up for them. Until one day when Brendon caught the interning sound engineer mocking Spencer’s voice and generally being a prick about the fact that they had a Deaf drummer.  
Ryan came out of the building to find Brendon screaming at the guy from the top of his lungs.  
‘Brendon, Brendon, don’t yell. You’ll damage your voice.’ Brendon very pointedly signed to Ryan what he had overheard, after which he had no need to yell because Ryan was tearing strips off the guy for him. Brendon called Pete and within half an hour Spencer was issued an apology and the college kid interning was told to pull his head in or Pete would make sure he never worked in the industry again.  
Spencer wasn’t happy that Pete intervened.

‘I can handle someone being an asshole. You don’t need to step in because I’m Deaf.’ Brendon put the phone on speaker so he could sign Pete’s response back.  
‘I didn’t step in because you’re Deaf. I stepped in ‘cause you’re a kid.’  
Spencer frowned, then laughed his ass off, flipping off Brendon to pass it on to Pete. Sure being the youngest could suck, but it was better to be babied for his age than for his deafness.  
‘He says fuck you, but he’s laughing.’ Pete cracked up then, too. Moment forgotten, all was good. Their CD blew up and soon they were touring the world. Then they realized Brent’s heart wasn’t in it anymore and they made the decision to replace him. Jon was cool though. Usually too stoned to communicate with Spencer in any way but pen and paper, but he was a good fit and would pick up the language eventually.

Then came Zack. Pete had told them that this guy was good but he didn’t think he knew anything about being Deaf, so there might be a learning curve. When he’d called this guy for security for the band and told him their name, Zack had said ‘Oh, that band with the hearing impaired drummer?’ Pete warned Zack not to say ‘hearing impaired’ to Spencer’s face lest he wind up impaired by Spencer’s sticks up his ass.  
‘I’m not afraid of some teenager in a boy band.’  
‘Ok, fine. Insult the kid, see what happens. I won’t stop you.’ That was enough to make him weary. He trusted Pete (for the most part. This was Wentz he was talking about) so he decided not to push his luck.

Pete took him to meet the kids in their dressing room. He found Brendon first, throwing fruit in the shower stall in the bathroom.  
‘Uh, hi. I’m Zack. Pete hired me to look out for you guys.’  
‘I’m Brendon. Nice to meet you.’ Splat.  
‘What are you doing?’  
‘I wanted to throw this fruit but I didn’t want to make a huge mess for whoever had to clean it up.’ Zack chuckled. These kids were harmless, is this one was anything to go by. He had never met anyone so punk rock and so polite at the same time.  
‘Where’s the rest of your band?’  
‘They’ll be back any second,’ Splat, ‘They went out for coffee and I’m not allowed to drink it anymore.’  
‘Why’s that?’ Splat.  
‘Because he’s too fucking hyper already. Who are you?’ Zack turned at the voice.  
‘This is Zack. He’s the child minder Pete arranged.’ Brendon explained.  
‘I’m Ryan, nice to meet you. If I’d known you were coming, then I would have brought you some coffee. Come meet the guys.’  
‘Even the babysitter gets coffee and I don’t.’ Brendon sighed dramatically before following them back out of the bath room, rinsing his hands quickly.  
‘Jon, this is Zack. Zack this is Jon. Jon’s our fill-in bassist and Zack’s the new handler.’ They exchanged nice to meet you’s and then Spencer emerged from the corner.  
‘Hey, I’m the drummer. Nice to meet you.’ Spencer signed as he spoke. He still refused to say his own name in front of people other than Ryan, Brendon and his sisters.  
‘Hi, I’m Zack. Nice to meet you...’ Zack spelled his name slowly and signed with a stutter, using the right signs but repeating the action for ‘nice’ and ‘meet’ unnecessarily. He realized he didn’t know the kid’s name.  
‘It’s Spencer, by the way. His name.’ Ryan supplied.  
‘You sign?’ Spencer asked, looking a little impressed, and stuck out his hand to shake.  
‘Not really. I learned that one in school. I guess it stuck with me.’ Zack said, shaking Spencer’s hand. Spencer had to look to Ryan to know what Zack was saying. Oh well, at least he knew more than the last guy they had, who hadn’t realized they were actually a bunch of teenagers and had split after 2 days.  
‘You translate?’ Zack asked.  
‘Interpret. I made that mistake too.’ Brendon said.  
‘Don’t worry, you get used to it.’ Jon said, clapping Zack on the shoulder. ‘Just don’t say ‘hearing impaired’ or ‘deaf mute’.’ Already, Jon had seen this band eat interviewers alive for saying shit like that. It really just came down to ignorance.

Zack learned fairly quickly that he couldn’t just yell at Spencer, he had to stomp his foot, flick the lights or tap him on the shoulder and then look him in the face and speak clearly, preferably with someone around who could interpret or with a notepad and pen in his pocket. Brendon and Ryan were teaching him the alphabet, numbers, and a few useful signs like ‘interview’ ‘bus’ ‘dressing room’ ‘show time’ and ‘follow me’ and he was starting to get the hang of things.

He only took a few days to learn that a large bottle of Advil was his new best friend. Spencer liked his music, and he liked it loud. He blasted it at ridiculous levels on the bus and got pissed off when Zack turned it down. About three weeks in, Zack turned it down anyway.  
‘Spencer, I can’t hear myself think.’  
‘I can’t hear it if you turn it down.’  
‘What? You know I can’t sign.’  
Brendon overheard this and came over to help.  
‘His music’s too loud and he’s pissed at me for turning it down.’ Zack explained.  
‘Yeah, no shit.’ Brendon didn’t get what was so difficult to understand.  
‘Why don’t you just say that then? You talked to me before.’ Zack glared at Spencer, who glared right back and started signing furiously.  
‘You try talking when you can’t hear yourself. See how easy it is for you.’ He snapped. Brendon interpreted and then spoke for himself.  
‘Spencer doesn’t have to speak if he doesn’t want to. Zack, you knew he was Deaf when you got the job. Don’t get angry at him for using his language. If you have a problem, speak to Pete.’  
‘No, no problem.’ Zack couldn’t believe he was being bitched out by a couple of kids. He supposed Pete did try to warn him.  
‘Spencer can’t hear the music if it isn’t turned up.’ Brendon explained, handing his last sealed pair of earplugs to Zack.  
‘He’s Deaf. He can’t hear it anyway.’ Zack argued.  
Brendon turned up the stereo, drowning him out and ‘the First Single’ by the Format blasted through the living space. He grabbed Spencer and signed along to the chorus of the song, stomping so hard at the instructions after ‘cause a scene’ that Zack looked up from the book he was reading and they laughed, before returning to singing along, silently but in perfect unison.

At their next stop, there was a Walmart, and Spencer decided to make peace with Zack and buy him a gift. He was supposed to be babysitting Brendon, but his venture out of the food department allowed him to purchase several cans of red bull, all of which were drunk that night. He left Ryan and Jon to manage him with video games in the back lounge and walked up to Zack where he was reading a book in the kitchen booth. He touched his shoulder.  
‘Yeah?’ The older man looked up and Spencer handed over the box.  
‘Headphones, what?’ Spencer pointed to where it said ‘noise cancelling’.  
‘Oh, for the music?’ Spencer grabbed a pen and paper.  
‘I didn’t want to fight.’ He tears the tiny sheet off the pad, hands it to Zack and writes out another. ‘I just hate explaining things all the time.’  
‘Like how I play, or why I don’t talk.’ He tears them off and hands them over. Zack reads them and nods.  
‘I’m still learning but I’ll try harder.’

Spencer doesn’t understand him so he writes it down and tears it off. Then he takes it back and underlines try harder until he breaks through the page. He hands it back. Spencer looks confused, and then he drops the page on the table and signs the words.  
‘Try…harder.’ He says.  
‘That’s how you sign it?’ Spencer nods and Zack repeats the action.  
‘I’ll try harder.’  
‘Thank you.’ Spencer signs.  
‘Thank you.’ Zack says for the gift, again mimicking Spence’s action.

At the next venue, Spencer gets an idea and decides to take pity on Zack and open his eyes. He hands him a pair of earplugs and a note.  
‘Put these in and come with me.’ Zack looked dubious, so Spencer tried to explain. ‘I want to show you something.’ He agreed and Spencer grabbed the noise cancelling headphones as well.

‘You’ll need both.’ He signs, though it goes over Zack’s head. He makes sure he’s ready before he hands a CD to the sound guy and writes that sound check’s starting early. Earplugs in and headphones on, Zack can hear nothing at all.  
‘Do I talk now?’ Zack writes.  
‘If you want, but that’s not what we’re doing here.’  
‘Then what?’ They’re scribbling back and forth on the pad and he grabs Zack’s hand and pulls him over to the end of the stage. He waves to the sound tech, and then feels the beat on the floor and he points to their feet as he kicks off his sneakers. The other man follows and smiles as it dawns on him just how Spencer experiences music.

Spencer nodded and grabbed his hands, holding them to the speakers through the chorus. His face lights up as he recognizes the tune and he moves to take his headphones off so he can hear himself talk. Spencer lunges forward and puts his hands over the ears to stop him, shaking his head and waving at the sound tech to cut the speakers.

‘Bad idea.’ Spencer writes. ‘You could damage your hearing that way.’  
‘Guess I hadn’t thought of that. I couldn’t hear myself speak so it was normal to take them off.’ He speaks, realizes neither of them can hear him, takes off the headphones and writes it instead.  
‘How was it?’ Spencer hands back the pad and put on his shoes.  
‘Awesome. I never thought about feeling the music before. Wait, is that how you play?’ Spencer nods and Zack puts his own shoes back on.

‘You have good taste in music by the way. Was that GnR?’ The sound guy comes back and hands Spencer his CD. He shows Zack the cover with a smile. Apparently the exercise left a lasting impression because Zack sat on the speaker throughout sound check, headphones on with the same mind blown expression as before.  
‘You broke him.’ Ryan joked.

He could joke all he liked but Spencer and Zack really bonded over that and there were no more fights about volume or speaking with his voice on the bus. Often the two were seen kicking back to the same CD’s, now they knew they had music in common, though there was an interesting juxtaposition between the Deaf guy trying to listen and the hearing guy trying to not.

After Zack sat in on an interview where Spencer was questioned about everything but the band (“It’s been mentioned before that you can speak.” Spencer had nodded, “So, why do you have the translator talk instead?” and “it’s so inspirational to see a disabled kid on the top of the charts. How does it feel to inspire so many people?”) and didn’t tell the interviewer where to go, he decided to just ask the question that was on his mind, though it was in similar vein to the journalist’s ignorant questions, so he hoped he wouldn’t offend. He caught the interpreter’s attention before she left.  
‘Spence, I know you don’t talk most of the time, but you say some stuff out loud, right?’ Right. Spence nodded, figuring he could take a decent guess at what the next question might be.  
‘So why don’t you ever say your name? You spell it, the interpreter says it, one of the guys introduces you, or the journalist. But I’ve never heard you say it once.’  
‘I can’t.’  
‘Sure you can. You say other stuff all the time.’  
‘No, I mean, I can’t say it. It doesn’t sound like my name. It’s sort of a running joke.’ He remembered saying it once in kindergarten, and the teacher laughed.  
‘I’m not laughing.’  
‘Doesn’t matter. I won’t say it as a matter of principle. I take so much crap for how I speak, I’m not copping shit for how I say my own name. Ask Brendon if he’s ever heard me say it. Ask Jon or Pete.’

He did. They hadn’t. Zach started handing out a list of questions interviewers can’t ask. This included ‘How does it feel to be an inspiration’, ‘How do you play/communicate’, and anything to do with the act of physically talking. He left the list open for later revision, but figured that Spencer’s answered these in every fucking interview, those answers were out there if you looked hard enough. He soon added an addendum for photo shoots-no photos of Spencer signing ‘I Love You’. It was a cliché they were all beyond tired of.

Any chance someone took to make Spencer the Deaf token was always diverted by the guys or shut down by Zack, and with Haley (the interpreter they’d since hired full time) around, Spencer managed to deal with people who thought if they just yelled loud enough maybe he could hear them.  
‘No matter how much you scream at me, I’ll still be Deaf, and the more you keep doing it the less I can lip read you. At this point you just look like an ass.’ Some people though simply refused to try to get it, and one time this lead to Spencer actually yelling at someone. Sadly this occurred after an interview when the cameraman was still set up. It was ‘somehow’ recorded and put online ‘Teen rock star meltdown-Spencer Smith of Panic! at the Disco, underage and under the influence?’

The article written about it suggested Spencer had turned up drunk to the interview, slurring his words and lashing out at the poor journalist who just happened to be in his way. They had to call a press conference to clean the whole mess up. To its credit, it’s the first article about them not to mention that Spencer is Deaf.

‘So, there was an article on the internet that paints Spencer in a very unflattering light, and the video that goes with it doesn’t tell the whole story.’ Ryan began. ‘This particular journalist asked every question on the list of topics we ask interviewers not to discuss with us, usually because they’re about Spence being Deaf and we feel like we’ve answered them enough. Clearly, she didn’t feel that way and wouldn’t let the subject drop the whole time we were there.’

‘She talked to the interpreter or to us instead of speaking to Spence directly, no matter how many times we corrected her, and tried to goad him into talking with his voice, which is actually a really hard thing to do if you can’t hear yourself, and it’s really scary if people have been unkind about your voice, which unfortunately, in this business, everything is fair game to the haters.’ Brendon added.

‘We tried to educate the journalist, but she had her mind made up and was not willing to change it. I snapped, like any one could, and I yelled at her. She didn’t understand me anyway, and the video of me in a moment I’m not proud of became the popular idea of me and my band. I’ll take responsibility for my actions, even the ones I regret.

‘However, I was falsely accused of being intoxicated, both underage and at 11 am whilst at work. I don’t drink and certainly did not turn up to an interview drunk. This was an ignorant statement made about my voice and the fact that I was angry. I make a conscious decision not to speak with my voice in front of anyone but close friends and family, including my band mates and our ‘nanny’, Zack. Ignorance like this is half the reason why.

‘I considered saying all of this with my voice instead of my hands, but that only implies I have something to prove. I don’t. In fact, if I’ve learned anything from this it’s that I don’t need to apologize for my voice, language or culture. Especially when people just don’t want to listen. Hopefully that clears things up. Thank you for coming out, thank you to my band mates for giving up their time off for this today, and thank you, Haley.’ They filed out, and Spencer offered to buy her a coffee to make up for not getting her day off. Turns out they had a lot in common.

Things leveled out again after that. Interviewers backed off, Jon joined the band permanently and he and Zack got the knack of learning to sign. Spencer and Haley were taking off and had even adopted a dog. Sadly though, a happy ending was not yet to be. Jon and Ryan went their own way because of musical differences after the second album (another album light on percussion isn’t exactly what a Deaf drummer has in mind), Haley left Spencer, and he found himself living on Brendon’s couch in LA, learning to surf and teaching Brendon’s dog to understand signs, to the point where he simply wouldn’t listen to vocal commands. Bogart quickly became his new best friend.

Then came the issue of finding new musicians. They found a guy Dallon, who could sign, said he learned it for his mission, but he hadn’t learnt any of their songs. Brendon told him to come back tomorrow knowing a few or forget it all together. They were surprised when he came back and played a few of their lesser known tracks as well as ‘sins’ which even they had to admit they were known for. Then they found their guitarist. A dude called Ian from the Cab, who didn’t know their songs before he heard about the auditions, but played really well.

They had the same fight about the volume that Spencer had with Zack, until Zack gave them both earplugs and turned the volume up to 100. They understood, just like he had, and a silent agreement was reached, that was anything but. Zack had briefed them and gave them the same list of banned questions the journalists got. By the time they started touring, they were yet to ask any of them. Spencer figured that if they should ever need to replace anyone, they had the training down to a science.

Brendon’s girlfriend set Spencer up with a woman called Linda on a double date, watching ‘Aladdin’ with subtitles on their living room floor. Soon after, they double-dated at Disneyland and the rest, as they say, was history.

The next year, Ian left them in Moscow and their training theory was tested. Thankfully, Kenny had done his research on the band and Spencer, and came prepared with his own noise cancelling headphones. Truthfully, he’d also gotten a heads up with the information package from Zack. He actually brought it with him in case there was a test.

The plastic folder contained the transcript of ‘voice gate’, the banned questions, tips for interacting with Spencer ‘Speak to him, not the interpreter, not someone else. Don’t ask if he lip reads, don’t scream, don’t talk too slowly or over enunciate, and don’t fuck with his music. Bring Advil, get some noise cancelling headphones, or wear earplugs.’ There were a complimentary foam pair in the folder to tide him over until he was able to source some quality earplugs or headphones.  
Despite the arguments over the noise level, those with useable hearing were discouraged from entering the bus without protection. Even the driver, who hated Spencer’s recent obsession with repetitive dance music.

There was also a note in the tips that said ‘You don’t have to sign but don’t ask him to speak. Have someone interpret, write it down, just don’t make it his problem that you can’t understand him. You’re the one coming into his space. Adapt.’ Kenny had taken that advice seriously and had written down his name and experience, and put that paper into the folder, next to the signs he made stating which song he would play.

He took a breath and walked in. He was a fan but saying that felt like ass-kissing, so he played it cool and said that he knew of them. He shook their hands in turn, looking Spencer in the face.  
‘Hey, I’m Kenny, nice to meet you.’  
‘I’m Brendon, this is Dallon and Spencer.’ They waved in turn and he handed the name and experience sheet to the drummer.  
‘You actually brought the file?’ Brendon asked.  
‘Was I not supposed to do that? I wasn’t sure if I’d forget anything important, so I figured I’d bring it in case.’  
‘We just thought no one read it. We’ve had a few auditions...it’s been kind of a long day.’ Dallon said. An understatement, but this dude was the last disaster they had to see today. Sure they could play, they could ALL play, but how they interacted with Spence mattered, too.

‘So do you have your songs prepared?’ Kenny nodded at Brendon.  
‘Great. You’re already two steps ahead of Dallon here. Turned up not knowing a single one.’ Spencer teased.  
Dallon flipped him off ‘Love you too, man.’ This was the kind of easy going group he could see himself fitting into. Dallon turned to him.  
‘What are you going to play?’ He dug through the folder until he found his signs. He held up ‘Lying’ and sang along softly.

Spencer stood up and put a hand against the speaker while Kenny played, and then looked back to his band mates as the final chord rang out. They seemed happy enough. Spencer sat behind the drums.  
‘What’s next?’ Brendon asked.  
‘Uhh,’ He grabbed the next sign and showed it to Spencer, ‘This Green Gentleman.’ It went pretty well and then they asked him what else he had prepared.

‘I can play all of vices and virtues, especially the bonus tracks.’ He confessed, dropping the folder at his feet.  
‘You’re a fan of the B-sides?’ Spencer asked after Brendon interpreted Kenny’s sentence.  
‘Yeah, they’re catchy as hell. Stall Me’s my favorite right now.’  
‘Stall Me it is then.’ Just for fun they played through most of the album with a speaker turned onto the floor. Spencer’s argument was that the ‘GnR’ exercise was just too much fun. Kenny was packing up to leave that evening when Spencer passed him a note.  
‘Welcome to Panic!’ He looked up at Spencer, who spun a finger in the air as if saying ‘turn’. Kenny did, and found nobody behind him.  
‘The paper. Welcome to the club.’ Dallon clapped him on the back.  
‘Oh, thanks.’ Kenny flipped the note. ‘Let’s go drink.’ He couldn’t argue with that and the four of them went out to celebrate.

Only a few months later, Spencer decided to take a step back from the band to seek help and get better. They found it quite strange to not wear ear plugs on the bus, to sign to the drummer and get a ‘what?’ back. Then he released an official statement and his addictions became the primary focus of the interviews Brendon did.  
‘I became a drummer so I could sit in the back and go unnoticed.’ He grumbled one day.  
‘How’s that working out for you?’ Brendon had asked. Spencer had shrugged, shook his head and signed ‘Sorry, what? I can’t hear you.’ Then he grinned and dove into the pool. Brendon laughed and followed.

In 2015, Panic! jammed in Spence’s living room after his and Linda’s engagement party, rugs rolled up and stacked against the wall. Brendon didn’t know what he was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t this. Here he was, making a fool of himself with his Gollum impression, Dallon pissing himself in the corner. Spencer turned to Kenny on the couch and raised his hand, spelling out ‘G-O-L-L-U-M’ with an eyebrow raised. Kenny raised his hand and signed back ‘Yes’. Now it was Brendon who was pissing himself.

‘What? What’s funny?’ Spencer signs.  
‘This has happened before.’  
‘Oh! Your audition for the Summer League.’ Spencer remembers. Brendon nods, a smile on his face.  
‘The Summer what now?’ Kenny asks.  
‘The Summer League. It was Spencer’s band before this one. Tell them the story, Spence.’ So they launch into the story, switching perspective for the important parts.  
‘…so I’m talking to Ryan on the couch, trying to figure out what B is saying, because he talks at a mile a minute and is impossible to lip read, and our bass player, Brent, is just pissing himself in the corner laughing at the worst impression of Gollum I’ve ever seen.’  
‘Meanwhile, I have no idea what he’s doing or why neither of them are actually saying anything, and when they tell me he’s Deaf, I’m a total idiot and ask like, every question on the banned list.’  
‘That was a great first practice, even if I maybe did want to punch you.’  
‘I made it up by learning to spell!’ Brendon’s not really being defensive though. He finds himself surprised at how far they’ve come. He remembers thinking he’d never get it right, and now they’re having conversations without a word of English. Even Kenny and Dallon don’t bother to speak unless there’s someone around who can’t sign.

Spencer pulls out his phone.  
‘This is how the kids do it, right?’ He asks, switching the camera to mirror mode for a selfie, and they all crowd in and smile. ‘I wanted one last photo of us as a band.’  
‘L-last? Spence?’  
‘Yeah. I’ve been thinking. We’ve known it was coming, but I’ve been waiting for something…there’s never going to be a ‘good’ time, but this feels like the right one.’ He wasn’t going to do this today. He was going to party with his band and break the news later, but with the way things panned out, it seemed only right to finish where they started. ‘You understand, don’t you B?’ He did. There was just something in his eye. He knew the only thing this would change was his best friend’s day job, they’d still hang out all the time and be like it always was. But he was still sad to see him go. He had to suck it up though, and pretend it wasn’t ripping out his heart because he knew it’s what Spencer had to do. He signed ‘Yes’ and then hugged his friend, because there was nothing left to say.

A week or two later, Spencer wrote his letter, thanking fans, his family, band and management for their unwavering love and support and explaining why he needed to do this. Just before he hit post, he added something to the end.

_P.S. B-I’m gonna need you to keep time._

FIN.


End file.
